Day 7

It’s strange to me to have to stay with a scheduled writing, as if I’m on staff for a sitcom. Luckily, I’m not getting paid to stay within a deadline, and considering only 16 people have signed up to follow this, there’s no pressure!

Last night I went off track a bit. And when I abandon a regimen, I go full out. Once I put my foot on the slippery slope, I hurtle all the way to the bottom, sliding like I’m on the grease I’m eating.

I took my wife to the movies. We saw “Tree Of Life,” a movie I had not heard of that she picked out. She is my earth girl, so I figured it was a documentary about trees. My wife gets turned on if I buy her plant seeds, so I knew this was going to lead to a good goodnight.

It was actually a feature film with a plodding story and emoting actors, one of those movies made by some serious “auteur” cats that seem to think they are making the most important film of all time. And if you don’t think so, there’s that arrogance of them being above it all and you are just too stupid to get it. It is only shown in art houses, as if all other movies in a multiplex are Top Ramen and they are beluga caviar. 

I got it all right. I got bedsores from a hundred and forty minutes sitting quietly in a theatre chair. Glad I missed the previews, or I might have had permanent damage.

Tree of Life was two hours of symbolism and irony. And I slept like a log.

But not before I loaded up on comfort food. I think this type of eating can be divided into categories, and in this case it can be put under the label of “movie munchies.” From the moment I enter a theatre I go on automatic pilot. There is no weight loss blog or voice of suggestive reason. It’s dark in there, no one can see me and I go off like a crack addict behind a dumpster, a guy in 12 steps hiding from his sponsor.

I simply must have my salt and sweet combo. My wife didn’t want anything from the snack area, so I had my own bag of popcorn and a box of candy. I had a choice of treats from the top row, or I could splurge and spend an extra fitty cent on the high-end milk chocolate. Or will I go for the stuff so imported it has its own designated area outside the window display?

But I took a detour. I turned around and there was a freezer filled with ice cream. The real good stuff, too. There really are advantages to the art house over the fart house!

I got my chocolate and popcorn mix, but forgot that this particular treat melts. I had to wolf it down before the hand thaw, always following my pattern of a one to one mouthful ratio of consumption. Problem was, I had to eat so fast it made noise, and this was one of those quiet flicks, where I had to wait for a scene with thunder so I could bury my hand in the loud paper bag.

After the movie ended, I waited through the credits, not that I needed to see who the key grip was, but because I didn’t want anyone to see the loud eater with the popcorn crumbs stuck to his shirt.

I got heartburn, too. I usually don’t get this anymore, ever since I started taking this miracle juice about four years ago, but I had rushed around and hadn’t done my afternoon shot of liquid health.

My chest aches did not stop my food run though. We had a coupon for a new restaurant, which served Tapas, so we went there to have dinner.

This was my kind of place. We ordered numerous dishes instead of traditional entrees, and this was the way to go. The selection was diverse, and unlike the movie we had just seen, I didn’t mind if it was pretentious. If this is the way snobs eat, I am all in!

Then came the moment of truth, or in the case of my belly girth, “critical mass.” We went through the variety of delectable Tapas, which is apparently a fancy way of saying “appetizers,” and needed to decide if we wanted to be stuffed or satiated.

Did I want to try one more, and also have another one of the favorites I had just enjoyed? There was one that had a sauce (me love sauces!), which was basically crabmeat in a donut. Kinda like California Roll meets Krispy Kreme.

Yes, I went for round two. No regrets. Had a wonderful night with my love, and I am well rested. Next time, I choose the movie. And if it involves trees, there better be some ninjas in ‘em!